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It has been a long time. It's 2019 already. However so far, I've been nowhere near to achieving what I call a carefree life. In the span of years since I last updated this blog, life has been super rough. But I'm not complaining. I don't want to complain. There are worse things happening to other people outside.

But I need to let this out. I owe an explanation.

This post here, is to those who I have hurt, damaged, and stripped away their sense of security.

And also to those I've been ignoring out of the blue; this is for you.

I am not a good person. I am not what you call someone who you can rely on. I am cancerous, not just to my friends, but also my family. Some don't dare to speak about my toxic behaviour but honestly I don't need anybody to tell me about it because I know. I know for a fact that I haven't been meeting your expectations. It's not that I can't be there for you, I just choose to NOT be there with you. I envelope myself in this very tight bubble of "not giving a shit".

But I don't do that on all occasions. See, that is where I'm most toxic. I'm unpredictable. Today I might feel good about myself, and offer you the nicest presentable lil' me. The next day, I just can't help but to treat you like dirt. Not in front of your face, but behind you. This guilt I'm carrying is so heavy that I can't bear to tell you in reality upfront. Yes, I'm a coward.

I was nice. Back then, it was all sunshine and rainbows. Every time I'm being bitter, I would look back to remind myself what I do is not right. I blurt out hurtful comments, because I can't keep it to myself and I'd rather bring you down. I'm not sure how I become like this, but it doesn't matter. It never is. How I've been treating people is wrong and how I become so toxic has no correlation to it. What's wrong is wrong. I get jealous even, because I couldn't deal with my stupid insecurity.

I couldn't bring myself to say sorry personally upfront. I would stutter, I would lose all the things I intend to say to you because I'm just that kind of person. So I write. I write because it gives me time to think. I hate people who backstab their friends, but I myself have become a person I despise. I will never go back to the person I was, but I could try at least. 

This is why I keep my friend circle small. This is why I never labelled my classmates as "friends" except some, this is also why I always do stuff alone. I'd rather enjoy my own company. I don't like having to argue or discuss what went wrong cuz I just prefer to just explain this to you and not having to hear what you have to say. I am at fault, and I mean it. 

I thought I was becoming a butterfly, but instead I became a beast.

I'm sorry for breaking you apart. For stunting your growth to be a wonderful person, for crushing your dreams, mauling your hopes and aspirations. I'm sorry I am not that friend. I am not a good sister. People have been nice to me, and I appreciate it a lot. But I want to stop being an asshole, and stop spreading this toxic cloud. Therefore I am staying away, I am barricading myself. I want to see you bloom and not be like me. 

I'm sorry.

i.k

A Random Thought #1

I had fallen out of love once or twice. There wasn't any spark left between him and I, because I just fell out of love. It wasn't his fault, nor mine. There wasn't an explanation for it, it just happened. Or maybe it was me who had never noticed that I was just simply became emotionless. Unbound to real meaning of what it actually is to be in love, to be committed to someone. But I would just say that it happened because it was merely lust. Only feeling infactuated with no intention to stay in a relationship.

Right now and always has been, I feel that it's okay if people leave me. It's fine if I get heartbroken. Because I know that I've loved that person once, and that alone makes me feel okay because I was never expecting anything in return. Because right now, I understand that falling in love means giving, and not taking. Giving everything that you are capable of to that lucky person, and expecting nothing in return. It doesn't have to be your body, it never does, but giving your time and effort to the love of your life.

i.k

愛 (Ai)

Here's to my favourite person-- a listener, a supporter, and so much more.

One of the best photos I have of you.

Yesterday was one of your big days. A day where you wore a robe to obtain a valuable piece of paper. Your diploma. You ranted on how lousy your diploma was, but to me that is something you should be thankful for. Learning is never easy, and you told me so yourself. You deserve a pat on the back, and I couldn't be more proud of you too. 

I've always dreamt of being part of someone's big achievements and events. I thought I would be photographed beside you while you wear that big ol' ugly robe and hat, but I reminded myself not to be selfish, and that there's always a next time for us to be part of something big. Maybe not now, but perhaps the days to come. Also I realise that somehow I have a little bit of envy in me. Seeing my friends become successful in learning and practicing what they like, while I am here struggling to balance myself on the brink of failure. 

Academic has always been my weakness but I never hated learning. My slow processing brain makes me feel insecure of my grades and well almost anything that has to do with academics. God knows how strong my self-loathing is due to the doubts I have around me. They make me feel inadequate. 

But,

You keep reminding me to be positive. You say things that make me feel better. Telling me not to give up and I still have a chance to keep up with my CGPA and whatnot. Being a pessimist is difficult and sometimes a little amount of positivity would go a long way for me. So this post is also a lil bit of an appreciation post for you, love. Seeing you radiating the good vibes is contagious; it makes people all cheery. It makes me happy. (sigh so much for being an emotional girl) 

I love you, and once again I am proud of you. Never stop spreading that playful side of yours. Looking forward to our future endeavours, sayang!

i.k

2017

It's 2017, and I have reached the age where 'teen' is no longer heard. Back when I was younger, I always dreaded that 18 was considered old and by that time I would be so mature. Yet here I am, being twenty but still feeling young and lacking the mind of an actual 20-year-old human being. I was excited once knowing that I'd finish school then I'd be a university student, which I am. The excitement still lingers now, but shadowed by the insecurity and fear of not being good enough. All because I am terrified of the unknown. The future, of what I would become.

It's like falling into the abyss, hoping that there's an end to it despite knowing that it's an abyss-- an endless space. You keep going and going where life takes you. All you are given is a choice. A choice between two paths, and all you are left is the unknown at the end of the paths. For that, you hope that what you choose will do you good.

i.k

1.03am

You are twenty-five and I am eighteen. We are seven years apart, and I cannot believe myself for having a feeling towards someone who is much older than I am. I had always wondered how two lovebirds with a wide range of age between them could easily fell for each other, and now I understand. Love is not a matter of age, it doesn't hold a barrier based on a physical quantity. It all falls down to how unique that person is to another. It's amazing how you can change the perspective you have towards the other person when you start to realize that your eyes sparkle when you see him. Every bad label everyone else has on him, you convince them that they look good on whatever looks he has. In the end it's not about the appearance anymore, it's about what he keeps in his heart. How he perceives you and understands you.

True, appearance comes first. However it's debatable. When you fall deep for how he talks to you, appearance comes second. If he maintains on what he's doing for you and you think that it's good, his physique is far gone from your mind. That's when you know how pure love is that you have for him because it's crystal clear, that the reason you love him is from the heart itself. I know. Love is infinite and it is universal. Love between two people is possible when you have the courage to make a move, be it a man or a woman. When things don't quite go your way, try a different approach or just throw them away. Get something else done, move on until you find a new path intersecting your own.

Despite all the positive rants I am telling myself though, a bit of sadness still dwells.

Do you have the same feeling towards me as I have for you?

i.k