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It has been a long time. It's 2019 already. However so far, I've been nowhere near to achieving what I call a carefree life. In the span of years since I last updated this blog, life has been super rough. But I'm not complaining. I don't want to complain. There are worse things happening to other people outside.

But I need to let this out. I owe an explanation.

This post here, is to those who I have hurt, damaged, and stripped away their sense of security.

And also to those I've been ignoring out of the blue; this is for you.

I am not a good person. I am not what you call someone who you can rely on. I am cancerous, not just to my friends, but also my family. Some don't dare to speak about my toxic behaviour but honestly I don't need anybody to tell me about it because I know. I know for a fact that I haven't been meeting your expectations. It's not that I can't be there for you, I just choose to NOT be there with you. I envelope myself in this very tight bubble of "not giving a shit".

But I don't do that on all occasions. See, that is where I'm most toxic. I'm unpredictable. Today I might feel good about myself, and offer you the nicest presentable lil' me. The next day, I just can't help but to treat you like dirt. Not in front of your face, but behind you. This guilt I'm carrying is so heavy that I can't bear to tell you in reality upfront. Yes, I'm a coward.

I was nice. Back then, it was all sunshine and rainbows. Every time I'm being bitter, I would look back to remind myself what I do is not right. I blurt out hurtful comments, because I can't keep it to myself and I'd rather bring you down. I'm not sure how I become like this, but it doesn't matter. It never is. How I've been treating people is wrong and how I become so toxic has no correlation to it. What's wrong is wrong. I get jealous even, because I couldn't deal with my stupid insecurity.

I couldn't bring myself to say sorry personally upfront. I would stutter, I would lose all the things I intend to say to you because I'm just that kind of person. So I write. I write because it gives me time to think. I hate people who backstab their friends, but I myself have become a person I despise. I will never go back to the person I was, but I could try at least. 

This is why I keep my friend circle small. This is why I never labelled my classmates as "friends" except some, this is also why I always do stuff alone. I'd rather enjoy my own company. I don't like having to argue or discuss what went wrong cuz I just prefer to just explain this to you and not having to hear what you have to say. I am at fault, and I mean it. 

I thought I was becoming a butterfly, but instead I became a beast.

I'm sorry for breaking you apart. For stunting your growth to be a wonderful person, for crushing your dreams, mauling your hopes and aspirations. I'm sorry I am not that friend. I am not a good sister. People have been nice to me, and I appreciate it a lot. But I want to stop being an asshole, and stop spreading this toxic cloud. Therefore I am staying away, I am barricading myself. I want to see you bloom and not be like me. 

I'm sorry.

i.k

A Random Thought #1

I had fallen out of love once or twice. There wasn't any spark left between him and I, because I just fell out of love. It wasn't his fault, nor mine. There wasn't an explanation for it, it just happened. Or maybe it was me who had never noticed that I was just simply became emotionless. Unbound to real meaning of what it actually is to be in love, to be committed to someone. But I would just say that it happened because it was merely lust. Only feeling infactuated with no intention to stay in a relationship.

Right now and always has been, I feel that it's okay if people leave me. It's fine if I get heartbroken. Because I know that I've loved that person once, and that alone makes me feel okay because I was never expecting anything in return. Because right now, I understand that falling in love means giving, and not taking. Giving everything that you are capable of to that lucky person, and expecting nothing in return. It doesn't have to be your body, it never does, but giving your time and effort to the love of your life.

i.k